(I am about to be monstrously unfair, and this does not apply to all young pagans. But it does apply to a shocking amount…)

Dear Young Pagans,

I get that being young and uninformed is how we all start off on the path to becoming adult pagans. It is not your youth or your ignorance that I am cursing. Rather your wilful ignorance and your refusal to learn, along with your blind willingness to be lead by idiots, fiction and fantasy rather than devoting time to diligent study, hard work and faithful observance of the creeds you claim to hold so dear.

When you get things persistently wrong, as well as doing things persistently badly in the most public forums possible, you make people like me look like an idiot because (and this is excruciatingly embarrassing) THEY THINK THAT I MUST BE JUST LIKE YOU. This makes me feel pain and hurt on a deep and spiritual level. I spend half of the discussions I have about my faith undoing damage that is done every day by people just like you.

Now yes - when I got interested in Paganism I went and bought pretty tarot cards and a couple of crystals. I burned candles late into the night and attended rituals in my long black floaty dress and cloak. But do you know what else I did? I learned. I studied. I went to older and wiser people and asked to borrow books and make notes. I went to talks held at the University. I hung out afterwards and asked questions. I arranged lessons in the things I was interested in. And 8 years later I am still studying, still learning and at no point have I ever considered myself a master of my craft.

Your arrogance when you claim to be such - even though it might just be fuelled by hormones and youthful exuberance - makes me want to punch you. And it has occurred to me that a few simple pointers might help to unpick some of the most common mistakes.

So here’s a list of some things I wish you would learn/become aware of/take to heart:

1) Christians/Muslims are not all evil. Neither are Jews, although what with attending Year 9/8th Grade history class, most of you seem to have grasped that bit already.  If you’re going to discuss Christians, Muslims and their faiths - please learn a little about them and also - learn how to spell the names of their faiths and religions. It makes you look stupid when you get something so common so wrong. The person I encountered who spelled Christian as ‘Christdian’ recently made me want to cry. In fact learn to spell in general. Especially when it comes to talking about your festivals/gods/pantheons. If you could learn to actually spell ‘Pantheon’ (instead of ‘Panthion’) that would be a good start. ‘Religion’ (rather than ‘Religeon’) would be a nice second one too.

2) There were no burning times. Yes, some women were accused of Witchcraft and burned at the stake, some were stoned or even drowned. But they were not usually witches. They were often Catholics, or old women who lived alone, or people who had children out of wedlock, or even women who were blessed with good luck who managed to avoid illness when other people were stricken. They were victims of jealousy and prejudices, but they were not ‘Martyrs to your faith’. There is a tragedy in what happened to them, but it is not the one you are trying to propagate. Go do some research about the matter. It is fascinating. But not for the reasons you think it is.

3) Fun pets as they are, black cats do not make you a better witch. Practicing witchcraft does not give you an extra ‘edge’ toward your begging of your parents for a pet. Love of animals is a key part of many pagan paths, so if you feel very strongly about animal welfare you might want to volunteer at a shelter. Or raise money for a cat/dog home. Or get involved with a conservation charity.

4) Claiming that the Christians have ‘stolen’ your old festivals does not give you a veneer of righteous anger. It just makes you look immature and petty. Do you even know what aspects of your faith were appropriated? Or are you just looking for a reason to get sulky and pissed? I love the fact that our practices are still a part of every day life - who wouldn’t be pleased to think that part of their faith still survives in spite of all of the trials it has faced?

5) Wearing too much green eyeshadow, black mascara and handbeaten silver jewellery will not make you any more authentic (kudos to anyone who spots where I liberated that reference from). Nor will the black hair dye, velvet clothes or the plethora of ankhs and pentacles that you wear. It’s nice that you are developing your own style, even if it is a shared and common ‘alternative’ look. But the most effective Witch I know does her best work in the kitchen and teaches Tarot in her jeans and university sweaters. There is a line between your fashion and your religion. Please draw it appropriately.

6) Candles are a useful part of witchcraft, and several aspects of worship for many pagan rites, but you do not need to fill your rooms with them, especially not the stinkiest. You will not endear your halls mates to you if you keep setting the fire alarm off at 3am. And your Mum will not love you if she thinks the house is on fire each night…

7) …In fact, could we take point 6 and apply that to incense as well? Just to cover all bases. In seriousness, tea lights do the job just fine. And you can use bottled incense or essential oils to represent the element of air or add extra kicks to your potions.

8) Being young is no excuse for being uninformed. Amazon stock a wide range of books about your faith. Many of them are available second hand. Some of them might even have notes in from previous owners. Have you even consulted your local library? Those ones are free and easier to access. Start borrowing, start buying or at least saving up to buy and start learning from something more substantial than ‘the internet’.

9) Unless that are devout adherents to another faith who would find your change of heart offensive, there is no reason to hide your practice of this faith from your parents. Sitting down and explaining your interest to them in a rational fashion might make you understand a little more about it yourself. It might also make you look more grown up than hiding candles and Tarot cards under your bed. View this as an opportunity to put forward your views as an adult with a mind of your own, rather than just being something you can do in secret to rebel against your parents. Would you go to Church to rebel? Would you take lessons in the Qu’ran to rebel? Would you convert to Judaism to rebel? I doubt it. Paganism, as a faith, should not be taken any less lightly and it is immensely distressing to me that people view it as a teenage phase simply because it is unpopular and filled with public misconception. Your secrecy does not help that. Rather - it fuels it. Try to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem.

10) Boasting that you’re going to curse someone makes me want to stab you. It makes you look pathetic that you would actively wish harm to someone else via a creed which - for the most part, given that you are more than likely dabbling in Wicca - evokes ‘Harm None’ as its central tenet.

11) I have a similar reaction when you claim to be able to predict the future. (Although, if you’re telling the truth on that, could you find next week’s lottery numbers for me please, and all will be forgiven? - Ta!)

12) And if you could please take all of your copies of Harry Potter, Dragonlance, DnD and that big box set of ‘Buffy’ and stick them back in the FICTION section of your collection of media/books - that would possibly stop the migraines I keep getting when someone claims to have ‘learned their spells from Buffy’.

I think that will do for now. It would certainly be a good start.

I do not claim to be an expert on my faith. Far from it. At the age of 29 I still have a long way to go and a lot to learn, but just these little steps would really really help to undo some of the damaged perception of our faith (see, yes, I said OUR faith) which already faces more than enough problems in the mainstream media.

Please join me on a journey towards making things easier for all of us, instead of harder. Please.

Many Thanks

Lady Cluck

(14.12.11 - Spellings now corrected - thanks for letting me know those who pointed them out :) )